Sexy is an energy. Not a look, not a style, not a size. It’s an intangible that we try so hard to make tangible. But what if we just let it be what it is?
Sexy Looks So Easy
We’ve all met someone who is effortlessly sexy. They seem to carry with them an air of confidence and appeal that everyone sees. There’s an uncanny allure, a sense of confidence, that makes them so desirable. When we consider our own objective appeal, we must remember that the things that make us hottest are the things we struggle to name. It’s not our height or weight. It’s not our endowments, our accents, our skin colour or our muscle tone. Authentic sex appeal runs deeper than that and is more ambiguous and fleeting, like catching lightning in a bottle. We all try very hard to wear the right thing, buy the right products, present ourselves in very specific ways, when really, our sexiness is inherent. It’s there no matter what you wear or how you move. It’s there no matter the details of our physical selves – we just need to learn how to harness it.
The Internalized Gaze
I saw an amazing TikTok the other day that was about self criticism and the internalized gaze. In this case it was a straight cis woman talking about the internalized straight male gaze and teaching herself how to see herself without it. The concept blew my mind yet made perfect sense. If you are inadvertently appraising yourself based on someone else’s values and preferences, not only will you adapt to an ideal that is not your own, you will criticise and torment yourself over how to be yourself. All based on a prediction of someone else’s thoughts of what is sexy! Instead, ask yourself:
- Is this what I want?
- Is this what I find beautiful?
- Who am I dressing for?
- Is this sexy to me? (Because if it’s NOT, I don’t want it.)
Stop Giving Away Your Power
Aren’t you so sick to death of giving away all your power? It’s a terrible habit and something I wasn’t even aware that I did. Now that I am more aware I interrupt myself when I fall back into old patterns. Try it and I guarantee you will begin to see yourself differently. Not only is my human value centered less on attractiveness and sexuality, when I do impart value to my body, I now see that it’s not the only good thing about me.
As for feeling sexy, it still comes and goes, but realizing that only I can decide if I’m sexy, not anyone else, has made it so much easier to see what others have seen in me all along: I’m sexy as fuck, and it has very little to do with how I look.
These are such good thoughts Violet and I found they really resonated with some things I’ve realised myself over the last year or so, but I hadn’t quite managed to articulate them in this way, so this was such a great post for me to read. Thank you for sharing x
i found this very interesting and i do agree that sexy is all about what i perceive in myself not how i look but yet i need the reassurance of others to feel sexy.. i will have to work on it.
And Violet i think You are sexy AF.
???? thank you, Sindee
yes, yes, yes!
“I have learned from dangerous and scary situations that appeasing people is the key to safety; being agreeable kept me alive. But now that I am aware of that behaviour I can choose to continue it or re-wire my mind to make conscious choices about it. I no longer endure an environment like that and I have not for many years, so keeping my response the same makes no sense.”
I can relate to this so much I hurt my head nodding along so vigorously! I’m trying like hell to change my responses as well. It really is embedded deep within, isnt it?
Oh, I’d love a link to that Tiktok if you’ve got it! 🙂
Thanks for sharing and being so vulnerable. That makes you even sexier xoxo