This post was previously published in 2019 and has been updated and expanded.
I am not a monogamous person. I never have been. I’m one of those people who just fundamentally does not connect with monogamy, it doesn’t make sense to me. Polyamory and non monogamy are much more aligned with who I am. I have been non-monogamous since before I had the words for it.
My early teens and first loves and relationships were functionally monogamous but I can’t recall ever loving or wanting just one person. It was hard, at about 14 years old, to realise that what I felt I wanted, needed and could give was not only foreign and seemingly impossible to my peers, but was completely unacceptable. So I held my tongue. I dated. And I cheated. I hid who I was, all the while not having vocabulary to express myself. Generally I felt unfulfilled by the conditional love and affection of youth. I dabbled in fooling around with girls, thinking maybe guys were the problem, but everywhere I turned, “love” was possessive and spiteful and filled with expectations and excuses. It was exhausting, yet I was so driven by desire and interest in intimacy, that I choked down a few monogamous relationships and resigned myself to the fact that I’d meet The One someday and that would be it, problem solved.
Fast forward a couple decades and here I am, in valuable and healthy long term relationships with committed, kind, generous people, yet many would denounce my “lifestyle” and reject the validity of these connections simply because they don’t fit the mould.
Meet The Evergreens
I have four Life Partners whom I refer to collectively as The Evergreens. Here’s a bit on each of them:
Polysaturation is real
In addition to the above people, I also date and am often open to FWB and other relationships. I’m currently not dating outside my polycule and I have sworn off new romantic/sexual/kink connections for the foreseeable future. I know my limits and I need a break. This is known as polysaturation. Lots of folks think that non monogamy and polyamory has to mean “the more the merrier”. While love is not a finite resource, time is.
Polyamory is definitely not for everyone … and that’s okay!
You may be reading this and thinking “How the heck?!?” If I had a nickel for every time that someone said “Wow, that sounds like a lot of work …” To that I say : Yes it is. I will also say this: It is absolutely worth the effort and I can’t imagine living or loving any other way. Relationships are work. Period. They require effort and motivation and thought but when they are healthy and happy and everyone has what they want and need, that’s an awesome feeling. I am so unbelievably lucky to love and be loved by these people.
The polyamory topic is too big for a single post … but lets keep talking about it
This is just the tiniest peek into one polyam constellation, each one is different and unique, and I have so much more to say about all of it. If any part of this has piqued your interest or if you have questions about how this all works, etc, please leave them in the comments below and I will put together another post addressing them. Feel free to ask anything and express your thoughts (respectfully) here. It’s a big topic and one I am keen to write on, but where does on begin? Let me know if you have any ideas on what I might talk about next.
As a fellow polyam person- I love to see how many different ways this can be done- and as a relatively new to poly person- I am grateful to you for sharing and giving us insight into the way you do it! ❤️
Violet, this is fabulous. Thanks for being so open and clear about your relationships — and inviting the conversation. As you know, I am in a D/s relationship with two people and sometimes shared with others. As my situation is a slavery, perhaps it isn’t so much as a “choice” for poly, but it essentially it is poly for me. If I were not in D/s slavery, I’m pretty sure I would seek something similar to what you have. This is lovely.
Thanks! And I think D/s certainly adds a layer in your case but it’s no less poly. It’s all valid ❤️
Lovely post, it’s refreshing to read about positivity when it comes to a poly lifestyle. Although it’s not where I am currently it is great to read about other people’s experiences.
We don’t identify as poly, but also not as monogamous. We are who we are, we love each other and always want to be together, but there is always room for fun with others. And, I totally agree with you, relationships are hard work.
Rebel xox
Oh yes I did the cheating thing too when I was much younger and also beat myself up about it as I was convinced there was something wrong with me. Discovering Polyam and open relationships was like finding home. Sadly I think committed to another basically mono relationship which whilst much of was amazing has ultimately failed (oddly the mono/poly thing is not the major reason) but it does now mean I am starting over and this time I am firmly committed to living my true nom-mono self
Mollyx
Fascinating . . . and wonderful post Violet.
Intriguing too . . . and so impressed that you, all of you, can make it work so well for each other.
Quite amazing !!!
Xxx – K
Thank you for sharing some of your poly story. It give me hope that I will eventually find the right partners as well.
Stella
Xxx
There are so many ways to love, and learning about them is one of my deep interests. It’s why I read so many sex blogs. I struggle with polyamory as a concept for myself, but I can see how freeing and wonderful it can be for others. So keep writing about it, because I am an apt and willing pupil.
Thanks Brigit, any topic in particular you’re curious about?
This is a really helpful post, and very affirming of the polyam dynamic. Thank you ?
This was a really interesting read. I define my relationship as polyamorous too, and we have had other partners but are not right actively looking for anyone else. What you describe is such a lovely constellation where wants, needs, love, care and communication are at the center of it all. Thank you so much for sharing this bit of your life with us.
I love this. I think it’s so vital for people to know that different relationship models exist, and one of the only ways for that to happen is for people to write about them, to show them to others. This glimpse into yours is fascinating.
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