It’s no easy task making long distance kink work, in fact some would say that it’s downright impossible. I assure you, it can be done.
Here, I’m sharing 10 tips for navigating long distance kink, so you can both flourish when you’re a world apart.
“Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it inflames the great.” – Roger de Bussy-Rabutin
TAKEAWAY: The more significant the topic, the more important it is to speak directly, but moreover, you must agree on what ‘significant’ means.
Long Distance Kink Needs Live Connections
Imagine long distance kink and relationships before texting? I’m old enough to tell you this much: it kind of sucked. When communicating in long distance kink and D/s, clarity is very important, and can be the difference between safe play and accidents, both physical and emotional. Text allows you to interact in real time, but so much nuance is lost. Sometimes your feelings, needs, and expectations are better expressed in long form. Making time to connect live can be key to making long distance D/s work, because no amount of emojis can replace hearing their voice and seeing their eyes. a few times a week.
Mutual Meditation
Long distance relationships are stressful at times and the expectations within D/s can really up the ante. Taking time to reflect and focus on self awareness, the purpose of your role in the relationship, and other mental and emotional contributions. Meditation, journaling, or other meaningful actions can be tools for feeling connected to one another and to your sense of value/duty/service/responsibility within your dynamic.
TAKEAWAY: Online and long distance kink is often more mental/emotional than physical. This does not diminish D/s, but it does create opportunities for ongoing self reflection.
TAKEAWAY: D/s structures can easily slip into dependent/co-dependent territory. Making mindful decisions about how you spend your time together and apart can help make the give and take more balanced and ensures that you each have time and space for yourselves.
Spend Offline Time Apart
Staying connected is a big part of making long distance kink work. However, wanting to spend time together can lead to an excessive amount of time online. It’s a slippery slope, attempting to accommodate various time zones. It’s essential to make an effort to prioritise offline time for projects, hobbies and relaxation. Sometimes this means that you’ll choose “me” over “we” and spend time that you could be together, apart. It’s not sustainable to smother each other or expect constant attention from each other. Do what suits your personalities and your long distance kink dynamic even if it means you sometimes purposefully do things apart from one another.
Self Care in Long Distance Kink
There’s a line in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast that I love: “… life is so unnerving, for a servant who’s not serving …” and I relate to it so much. Sometimes geographical distance can make you feel so helpless. For many, the joy of submission is in the anticipation of Their needs and in exceeding Their expectations. Personally, I’ve learned that caring for myself is an extension of my submission. Self care now has the dual benefit of also being a form of worship. The intricacies of power dynamics lend themselves well to structured care, including self care. When distance is a factor, Doms and subs may need to tweak or edit the way care is expressed and achieved.
TAKEAWAY: By positioning self care as something subs do ‘for’ Dominants, the desired structure can be honoured; proof positive that intention can be so integral in D/s ritual.
TAKEAWAY: Punishment is not a requirement of D/s. You can have amazing power dynamics that never mention punishment.
Alternative Punishments & Rewards
Many D/s dynamics involve elements of behavioural correction and discipline that can result in punishment. Others do not. There are many reasons that people choose punishment dynamics, others feel it is antithetical to their style. But not all punishments are created equal! If you’re more traditional in your punishment parameters, it can be tricky to engage in meaningful punishment (or reward) when distance is between you.
If either of you is uncomfortable with punishment, discuss the topic carefully and see if you can come to an alternate arrangement. Rewards can be simple, provided they are meaningful, so learn what your partner needs and express your needs too.
Fluid Structure and Accountability in Long Distance Kink
For many, a feature of D/s is structure and accountability. For subs, the desire to defer to, or be controlled by the Dominant can be a central part of the dynamic. As a Dominant, the sense of responsibility and authority can be fulfilling and exciting. Accountability also lends itself to correction and discipline, something that is at the heart of many D/s connections.
It’s important to note that not all D/s connections:
- are sexual
- are romantic
- include pain or impact play
- are based in action/punishment dynamics
So many D/s pairings, get over-excited right out of the gate and get all tangled up in tasks and rules and routines. This happens because mutual enthusiasm feels safe; you’re really both in this together. Collaborating and talking through behaviours and expectations, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of how the other operates and where your priorities are. Over time it’s normal for the focus to shift away from what functions your roles provide, to how your roles work together. Likewise it’s not unusual to stop focusing on the “how” and put more attention on the “what” and “why”.
TAKEAWAY: There are many ways to manage and keep track of tasks and rules in D/s relationships, so it’s important to figure out what works for you. It can feel really validating to check things off a list or update a spreadsheet. These things give us concrete metrics for otherwise intangible dynamics. Just remember that you’re no less of a Dom or sub if your dynamic isn’t micromanaged or completely documented. All of these measurements of D/s are individual, and they certainly aren’t important to everyone. Find what works for you, and be prepared for that to take some time.
TAKEAWAY: LDRs, especially kinky ones, can be challenging to translate sexually when you’re literally worlds apart. Patience, compromise and clarity will help both sides of the dynamic express their needs and help have them met. Give yourselves some grace too: you’re managing big, complex human emotions from thousands of miles away. You won’t always get it right but the more you communicate about sex and its importance in your LDR, the easier it will be.
Sync Your Sex Life
Ask anyone who is in an LDR, especially if there are multiple timezones at play, and they will tell you that the logistics around sex and expressing yourselves sexually can be tricky. Again, not all local or long-distance D/s connections are sexual, but for those that are, it can be a challenge. The best recommendation I can make here is this: try your best to sync up your sex life so that you are consistently having some level of sexual connection. But there’s a caveat too: don’t give up if this is harder to do than you think.
Whether you share nudes, leave each other smoking hot audios or videos, whether you masturbate together or role play, whatever you do, do your best to create a comfortable and exciting exchange. Life gets in the way of all relationships but LDRs are even more vulnerable to distraction and fatigue. Just like you make the effort to connect in real time, make the effort to connect sexually. For some, distance and kink dynamics just don’t work, for others its all they’ve known. Be sure that you have transparent conversations about desire, privacy, personal boundaries and what your long-distance virtual sex life can be.
Always Say Goodnight
Even if you don’t have a ton of rules, consider this one: always say goodnight. Committing to always saying goodnight makes for a meaningful and consistent touch point. Sometimes other things will get in the way or one of you will fall asleep on the other, but for the most part, you will benefit from it. Consider it a way to honour and respect each other, even if there’s been tension, even if you’re out of sorts. This is part of the comfort of routine that can help shrink the miles. It can be hard, but the little details add up.
One of the struggles of LDRs is missing out on the little things; touching their arm as you pass them, hearing them sneeze in another room, smelling them on your clothes after you’ve been with them. In place of haphazard moments, make intentional gestures that are meaningful to both of you.
TAKEAWAY: Building micro versions of ‘real life’ into a LDR can help make the distance shrink just a bit.
Like all relationships, to get the most out of long distance kink you have to be open to working together on the details. Your relationship is just that: yours.
It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint
Having a significant relationship at such a distance requires a kind of focus and perspective that more traditional and local relationship models don’t. Making the decision to engage in a LDR, especially one that has a kink component, is no small feat. But it can be done. Would relationships be better if they were all local, all the time? Not necessarily! For some people, having the time and space of an LDR suits them, and in some dynamics, the distance plays an erotic part.
Remember: Your LDR is Yours
How it looks from the outside, whether anyone else understands or accepts it, none of that matters. If it’s healthy and it makes you happy, do what the two of you need and make it your own. There’s no one way to do any of this and the only ‘right’ way is what is right for you.